This will hurt me...

I ran. I ran so far away. Bellerive Beach, Bellerive. August 2013. This Theme Thursday I am thinking that if I were a LIP, which LIP would I be? Labium superius oris is nice, but Labium inferius oris is surely only inferius in nóminis only. The cupid's bow has autant de charme and the tuberculum labii superioris the kind of stout reliability only found in Hungarian washerwomen Golden Retrievers. I am told that women are attracted to men with masculine LIPS. That is, LIPS that are not too big or not too small, can chop firewood and know where and when to take her in hand. So if I were a LIP, I'd be a proud LIP. A LIP worth loving. A LIP worth loving, living and dying for.

Lesbian lovers. Outside the Casino, Sandy Bay. October 2012. I like seagulls. A lot of people don't, but I do. Some people think gulls are foolish. Native Americans thought that gulls were tricksters. Richard Bach thought that they were clumsy metaphors for the patently obvious. I dunno. I like 'em. So did Chekhov. The Seagull , by Norman Dubie Chekhov, at Yalta A winter evening at the cottage by the bay, And I sat in the black and gold of the dead garden Wrapped in blankets, eating my sister’s suet pudding. The fountain was wrapped in dirty straw and Just below my property in the old Tartar cemetery There was a small funeral in progress: the widow Is wearing a purple shawl, the children are bare around The shoulders and the girls are wearing orange petals At their throats. The ashen white beards of the men Are like immaculate vests from this distance. There is nothing more intolerable than suet pudding, Unless it is the visitors. The drunken visitors ...

Guess what happens next? Little Howrah Beach, Howrah. December 2011. Theme Thursday already and it seems that I've lost most of my X-mas break to the flu. This was not supposed to be the FUTURE (this time last week). Inevitably, the FUTURE disappoints. The FUTURE rarely delivers. The FUTURE is usually much like the present, only we are more tired, have more aches and pains and more irritable. The FUTURE, to put it bluntly, ain't what it used to be.

Their legs must get tired. Little Howrah Beach. October 2011. Another Sunday means another Top Five. I have had the chance over the past month to give Chicago experimental rock combo Wilco 's latest album The Whole Love , and it is a cracker. All this has got me thinking, how might I narrow down their records thus far to a top five? Thus I have today's list, My Top Five Wilco Albums! First up I am ruling out a host of collaborations that are extremely worthy in their own regard. The two albums with Billy Bragg - Mermaid Avenue and Mermaid Avenue Vol. II - working over some found Woody Guthrie lyrics are quite the achievement. I am a Bragg fan, but the Wilco efforts blow his away. Well worth tracking down. I am also excluding Down With Wilco , the collaboration with The Minus 5 and the very interesting The Sun Came Out with Neil Finn. This leaves nine. The elimination was easy, as 2005's Kicking Television was immediately ruled out, as I'm not counting live albums (h...

Everywhere I look, seagulls! Geilston Bay, October 2011. Another day, another Q and A! Today this is the Questions Galore Meme, Part 2 ... 21. What was the last song you listened to that wasn’t sung in English? If Laura Branigan's Ti Amo doesn't count, probably the '80s Soviet beat combo Кино ('Kino') doing Группа крови ( Blood Type ). 22. Do you let meme authors know when you hate their memes? No. Why? I just wouldn't do it. 23. What TV show would you like to be on? Something that pays well for very little. 24. What was the last video game you played? Madden NFL 2011 on the PSP. 25. Have you ever been in a musical? If yes, do tell. Alas, I have nothing to tell. 26. Do you follow your own style or everyone else’s? I have my own indomitable style. 27. What’s the last store you bought from? Coles. 28. In retrospect, have you ever let a person use you a lot? That has never been a trait of mine. Unless you count children. If you do, all the time. 29. What are you ...

I ran... I ran so far away... Little Howrah Beach, Howrah. August 2011. I am wondering: should I continue?

What beast begat such marks upon their journey thither? Little Howrah Beach, August 2011. Little feet dainty little feet delicate small feet elegant modest feet graceful slight feet refined petite feet exquisite diminutive feet pretty tiny feet petite minute feet neat miniature feet subtle unassuming feet tormenting unpretentious feet alluring diffident feet teasing humble feet attractive meek feet persuasive reticent feet influential ordinary feet convincing reasonable feet believable deferential feet credible obliging feet. What sort of feet do you have?

The usual suspects. Errol Flynn Park, Sandy Bay. August 2011. [..From left to right...] Uno. Dos. Tres. Cuatro. Cinco. A view of the Estuary. Errol Flynn Park, Sandy Bay. August 2011.

Stand into the wind girls! Long Beach, Sandy Bay. June 2011. A very special Sunday Top Five today, The Top Five Individually-Viewed Blog Posts On This Will Hurt Me Throughout The Long And Storied History Of The Production ! Vile, Racist Ad! A big blue sky and a Drabble too! Animals in sweaters! Badly drawn tigers! Soviet Russia Henry!

Good luck, seagull. Seven Mile Beach, May 2011. I shall be in Launceston by the time this post goes up, putting the finishing touches on the project that I have been working on for (nearly) the past year. It’s been a bit of a slog, and arrives just at the point when the government realises that there is no more money. Yet these things have a way or sorting themselves out. Then…? Something else. There’s always something else. I just wish that this something else was for a little more money.

The chips are slow, but the seagulls are patient. Salamanca Square, Hobart. December 2010. Sometimes it is best to wait and see before committing yourself. These seagulls understand this all too well. Not wanting to reveal their hand wing too early, they are content to hang back and await a change in circumstances. Have you ever seen a seagull half squashed on a road? They are the ones that rushed in before being in full receipt of the facts… These are Chroicocephalus novaehollandiae , more commonly known as the Silver Gull or the ubiquitous “seagull” here in Tasmania. These fellows should be eating worms, fish, insects and crustaceans, but I suspect this gang favours hot chips, meat pies, Hawaiian pizzas and the odd chocolate torte.

Seagulls in congress. Geilston Bay, May 2010. I went down to the jetty back in May to discuss possible topics for the Sunday Top Five . Thankfully, we settled on an easy one: My Top Five Ten ELEVEN Soccer Players' Names ! Laughter Chilembe Suprise Moriri Have-A-Look Dube Danger Fourpence Creedence Clearwater Couto Segar Bastard Norman Conquest Bongo Christ Wolfgang Wolf Argelico Fucks Harry Daft Now, between you me and the seagulls, which do YOU like best?

Two seagulls in the sun at Opossum Bay. March 2010. Theme Thursday . Hmmmm. My tendency to pick the image and title prior to learning the topic often makes it hard. Here we go: Here you can see picks number 19 (foreground) and 23 (background) in the twenty-seventh annual Tasmanian seagull DRAFT. 19 is a lithe, cheeky, receiver- sort who's good on the outside of packs with a healthy turn of pace. 23 is a more old fashioned, in-and-under type who doesn't mind getting his knees dirty and has excellent core strength. He lacks somewhat in pace, but makes up for it in heart. I've got a lot riding on these two.

Christ Almighty, Theme Thursday already?!? I haven't even had BREAKFAST! Nor have these slightly dodgy looking seagulls lurking about Franklin Square this very morning . Dudes and I had a bit of a poke about in the turf looking for the odd grub, but coming up with little more than a discarded cigarette butt. Thus, far from the Bacchanalian feast envisaged, we are left looking at a mess on a public lawn with an empty belly. The problem, you see, is that seagulls (love 'em as I do), are well and truly pococurante . As I'm sure you know, the pococurante have a tendency to perendinate . Chroicocephalus novaehollandiae are without doubt perendinacious pococurantes ! BREAKFAST!

One of Henry's most favourite things in the whole wide world is "dinner outside". Here in Tasmania, "dinner outside" equates to "dining with seagulls". Thus, the other evening, we headed on down to Bellerive beach and feasted on an array of scallops, prawns, squid, blue grenadier, dory and chips at the world famous (well, it is now) Fish Bar . We ate in the shadows of the light towers of the magnificent Bellerive Oval (home of the 2006/7 Sheffield Shield winners, the Tasmanian Tigers) and under the watchful gaze of a gang of seagulls that were loitering about. Which brings me to Theme Thursday . I got the IMPRESSION that the seagulls were up to no good. The cynosure appeared to be a battered scallop (or perhaps it was a prawn), and despite my warnings to Henry and Ezra to avoid encouraging the winged-rapscallions, an imbroglio ensued when a stray chip found itself on the grass next to us. You can imagine the commotion. In fact, in the subsequent kerf...

Here is Ez stalking seagulls in the park at Bellerive. I've decided against showing the moment where he bit the one of the left's head off...

This gull is wondering why my post is so late today... Thus, today's Sunday Top Five is the Top Five Reasons Why My Post Is So Late Today! 1: Dirty nappies need soaking, and soaked nappies need washing, and washed nappies need hanging out. Toddlers refuse to help in such matters. 2: Pancakes don't cook themselves! 3: Ezra isn't allowed to play in the toilet water and someone has to guard the toilet. 4: I've been up to the top of the mountain and come back down again (photos to come). 5: I have a wife to tickle. Don't even get me started on mowing the lawn...

These seagulls were photographed down by Bellerive beach, right next to the local cricket ground. A man’s home is his CASTLE , they say. I am wondering if that holds for seagulls. It is pure speculation of course, but I believe that these seagulls’ CASTLE is the magnificent Bellerive Oval , home of the lacklustre insipid mighty Tasmanian Tigers cricket team! It’s Theme Thursday you see, and we are talking CASTLEs. Unfortunately, we have a severe shortage of CASTLEs, knights, princesses and all that rigmarole here in Tasmania, and even the illustrious Bellerive Oval - home of the 2006–07 Pura Cup Sheffield Shield winners [and now with added floodlights] - is about as impenetrable as Madonna’s knickers [zing!]. Thus, you get another photo of some seagulls, some nonsense about cricket and a lame really funny joke at Madonna's expense. I call that a win-win.

The sea birds are taking advantage of the end of the football season and setting in on the Henry Fitzgerald McCracken Recreational Ground. Watch out for the rollers though fellas, cricket is just around the corner!

Here is a Salamanca seagull hanging about waiting for a crack at a wood fired pizza. What is it with me and seagulls ? Although it is not simply a matter of their multitudes in coastal Tasmania – although that helps when you’re scratching around looking for a photo – only a mug could deny at least an element of the propinquity effect at work here. No, it is more that gulls are misjudged , slandered and often unfairly maligned . Their critics see them as little more than opportunistic scavengers , when in fact, they are resourceful, inquisitive and highly intelligent birds. They have complex methods of communication and a highly developed social structure, lesbians or otherwise! F One must admire the way that gull colonies employ mobbing behaviour – think Soviet Army in the 1940s – attacking and harassing would-be predators and other intruders. I have a theory that most gulls are ardent Marxists, and I’ve yet to see any evidence to the contrary.