This will hurt me...

No, it isn't the Daily Planet (or even the Daily Worker ), it's Hobart's own The Mercury , more affectionately (!) known by the locals as The Mockery . In my mind, the main failing (of many) of this paper is too many "Elderly in Fear!"; "Children at Risk!"; "CORRUPTION!" banners, and not enough "SURFING DOG!"; "SEX ROMP ON MICROWAVE OVEN!"; and "CORRUPT ELDERLY SURFERS IN SEX ROMP WITH CHILDREN!"

I have endeavoured to warn the world of the threat posed by rampaging wallabies previously on this blog , but did people listen? Of course they didn't! Some people seem to think that just because they're little, furry, cuddly and herbivores, wallabies are not brutal, godless killing machines . Thank the lord for the good folk in the proud state of Queensland (for our American friends, think Texas, only with cane toads, corruption and slow talking). One of the world's most respected newspapers, The Townsville Bulletin , has lifted the lid on the murky morass that is the moral quagmire of the elderly/marsupial relationship in the Smart State in the year 2008. As the bold graphic in the Bulletin piece says, these cold blooded killers are stalking seniors ! Consider these terrifying facts people: Faeces left on patios, with residents opening their back doors and stepping in it ! A vision impaired old dear was innocently hanging clothes on the washing line, only to discove...

Got to love the news.

To combat the depressed atmosphere around this blog today, I though that I would share with you five things gleaned from the latest issue of the Australian Bureau of Statistics excellent little monthly for the statistically inclined, the Tasmanian Statistical News: In 2006, 36% of Tasmanians over the age of 18 had done some kind of volunteering in the previous 12 months. In 2005, Tasmania had the lowest level of household crime in Australia, with 4.5% of the population reporting being victims of actual or attempted break ins or motor vehicle theft. In 2006-07, first home buyers in Tasmania borrowed an average of $164,400, the lowest average compared to other states or territories. In 2004-05, Tasmania had the lowest proportion of people with diabetes (2.8%), and between 2004-2006, the lowest rate of death from stroke (45 per 100,000 population). In 2006, Tasmania also had a lower infant mortality rate (3.9 per 1,000 live births) than the national average (4.7 per 1,000 live births). ...

Long-time readers of this blog will know of my commitment to alerting the world of dangerous creatures. Whether it is Argentinian terror-gnomes , Nazi squirrels or sexually aggressive seals , I pride myself in raising global awareness of specific threats. So, naturally my ears pricked up when I heard this tale from Queensland. With what appears to be no recourse to hyperbole whatsoever , colourful local identity Alwyn "Bones" Bailey has described a terrifying attack on his nine year old dirt magnet. Bones told an excited press corps that his presence alone saved the life of son Morgan, who would have been mauled to death by what may have been zombie herbivores, driven by a lust for blood . "It's deadset serious. Someone should get a gun and shoot the buggers," Mr Bailey argued. "They're not just friendly, cute little wallabies any more – they're killers !" "I had to belt him [the rampaging wallaby] across the face twice, then he came ...

Here we have Geilston Bay just this very morning. It is a pleasant morning, and the news that Madonna and her husband are fighting has done little to dampen our spirits here in Tasmania. If it did, I guess we could turn to Paul McCartney’s new tale of love for consolation. Likewise, the fact that Elton John had a dig at Lily Allen, and that Lily Allen (a few sheets to the wind, I’d say) had a go back at an awards ceremony somewhere not here overnight didn’t rock our boat too much. Nor did Brendan Fevola’s ‘mad Monday’ appearance in a pink nightie and monster dildo worry us. And although I have some sympathy for David Duchovny’s recent ‘illness’ (too much sex? The poor, wretched bugger!), I’m happy to leave him to it. I feel no need to comment on Bristol Palin’s luck, let alone her ‘proud redneck’ lover. I’ll be honest with you too, the next time that I hear Stephanie Rice and Eamon Sullivan, I’m kind of hoping that it will involve crocodiles. The same goes for you, Amy Winehouse. So yo...

Some time ago you may remember that I reported on this blog on some rumours that had been heard around the traps of a nascent organisation that fancied themselves as exponents of a new form of the arts and crafts: guerrilla knitting. Well, one can imagine my surprise to find the following story in today's edition of The Mercury (locally known as The Mockery, the multiple errors in a short colour piece may explain why). As is my want, I have decided to quote liberally from the story titled Woollies warm frozen figures . The intrepid journalist reports: IT seems this week's cold snap has even forced statues around Hobart to pull on their winter woollies. Mystery surrounds the appearance of hand-knitted attire on the Heading South statues, on the waterfront near Mures restaurant. The statue [sic] is a [sic] official tribute to the historic links between the port of Hobart and the Southern Ocean. The knitwear includes, a dog coat, leg-warmers and a scarf, in purples, reds, greens...