I am the champions!

Here's a cool little thing to try. This website records the #1 song in the United States - according to Billboard magazine - on any given date. I've already touched upon the songs that were playing during Henry's birth, but here are the charts!

Of course, me being me, I've had to check my own birth date out, and compare it with the other mugs loved ones in my family to see who's song best matches them, and more importantly, who is the best, and who are the losers!

First, we'll do Henry, as he was born last and is the weakest. Number one when he popped out was the hit by that dirty southern rapper, Ludacris - featuring Pharrell (Colin Pharrell?) - "Money Maker". In this song, Mr Ludacris claims that he is a "bedroom gangsta”. Well, Henry does like to make noise in his bedroom, I've yet to see any gunplay, but it's early doors yet!

The song also has a touch of the oldest profession about it with the line: "Shake your moneymaker. Like somebody about to pay ya." Now Henry likes to dance, but not in strip joints (to my knowledge). But who am I kidding? Let's be honest, Henry has drawn a dud here. It's an ordinary song (well, it's rubbish actually) and he's going to struggle to win this one with such a weak entry. Sorry Henry, don't blame me, blame the record-buying American public!

Now, despite the fact that I am considerably younger than my dear old wife (three whole months!) , as it is my blog it is my prerogative to leave my song until last. So next up is Jennifer, who is represented by the soul, funk, and disco fusion of Rose Royce, with the biggest hit of their career, "Car Wash"! The theme of the (not very good) 1976 Richard Pryor film Car Wash, this track has some cred as one of the most notable hits of the disco era. To some, that may be like saying the typhus has cred because it was quite popular in the nineteenth century, but I would never be so cruel.

The fact that Jen's song essentially sets the mood and tone for a seventies blaxploitation comedy at first glance makes it an unlikely source for similarities. Yet the song describes a fun and easy-going car washing business (much like a home where members of the family fling food on the walls), and this 'car wash' is a place where everything is "always cool, and the boss don't mind sometimes if you act a fool." Well, actually, that's not like Jen at all. She's a stern woman that doesn't stand for nonsense.

Despite this dissonance though, she is in a better position song-wise than dear little Henry with that terrible Lucaris song. Maybe I'll look more favourably upon hos and bitches and that sort of gear in middle age. So, without much fuss, "Car Wash" is winning.

So the pressure is on, could I possibly trump musical royalty Rose Royce? Let's see, drumroll please...

It really should go without saying that I wipe the floor with "Car Wash". Rolling Stone magazine, for example, placed my song (as I'm now calling it) as the forty-ninth greatest song of all time. Its guitar solo is ranked eighth on Guitar Magazine's Top 100 Guitar Solos. It's only one of the world's most famous and popular band's most famous and popular song!

[Now the following rant works better if you read it with the voice of a passionate Al Pacino in your head, or (even better), a young and angry Jack Nicholson.]

See, I don't even care that The Eagles are just a groups of soft-cock, over-sexed, coked-up, overrated West Coast MOR corporate phonies whose whole mainstream megabucks success involved draining out all that was good and all of the heart and all of the soul out of far superior acts like Gene Clark or Gram Parsons!

All that I care about is winning, and if that means that I have to argue that "Hotel California" by The Eagles is better than Rolls Royce's "Car Wash" or some ludicrous "Money Maker" ditty by wild child Colin Farrell, then by god I will do it.

And see, I don't even remember who sings those other songs! Get any old bum off the streets of Vladivostok in the Russian Far East or Calgary, Alberta, Canada, and they'll tell you that The Eagles sing "Hotel California". Hell, they'll probably be able to sing along with it for you!

Humbly then, I'm announcing myself the winner and awarding myself the prize (which is humility and grace - more for the pile!).

Can anyone out there top "Hotel California"? Give it a go and let me how how you do.