I have posted a picture of a sign spotted on the bus today. The timing could not have been better, as I have a few issues that I would like to get off my chest. Thus, I have decided to share my letter with all of you out there in Internet-land.
"Sir,
I am contributing to this review as a regular patron of Metro Eastern Shore bus services, as I utilise public transport to commute from Geilston Bay to and from my workplace in the city. I shall not dwell on more technical matters, such as the need for fluid dampeners or adequate driver training. Instead, I will focus on nine (9) easy issues that Metro can address and would comprehensively improve the quality of the passenger experience.
The first concerns individuals who arrive at a stop when you are waiting for the bus and ask, "Has the bus come yet?" Logic should dictate that if the bus had arrived, one would not be standing there. I feel that if at any point the driver is informed that someone has asked this, Metro should refuse to let them board.
Secondly, people who get on the bus and then start fiddling in their handbags or wallets, rather than having their ticket or their money in their hand should be tasered. Immediately. This will surely make them think twice about being so lax in the future.
Third, people who arrive last at the bus stop who just waltz straight onto the bus in front of everyone else should be publicly flogged. I am very firm on this one.
Fourthly, people who sit behind you on a bus and either kick the back of your chair constantly or incessantly pull at the chair should be removed immediately, without stopping.
The fifth is vital. Often on a journey, people can be found playing loud music on their I-pods or phones on the bus. While I take no issue with personal radios or whatever new fangled fad 'the kids' are into these days, there are certain levels where it becomes intolerable. As such, anyone who transgresses should be disciplined severely. I am thinking of the old castor oil trick, but am happy to leave this decision to the discretion of the driver, relative to the artistic merit (or otherwise) of the music being listened to.
Sixth, people who - when standing – refuse to move down the bus when new people board. If common sense is beyond them, the driver should be entitled to employ a few swift kicks to 'encourage' them.
The seventh point concerns a certain type of person - more often than not haughty private school girls - who stand out of snobbery at the prospect of having to sit next to someone, when there are many seats still available. Their selfish and insensitive actions only leads to hindering people who board after them from getting on the seats that are free. Similarly, their sullen shoegazing also makes it difficult to disembark if you are not travelling the whole way into the city. If these people are too good to sit with the plebs, off with their heads, I say! Robespierre was correct on this score.
My penultimate point relates to people (especially, but not always, young people) who refrain from giving up seats for old people, people on crutches, heavily pregnant ladies, people without any legs, et cetera. These ingrates should be frog-marched off the bus, past all the passengers, beaten with sticks and rocks whilst being jeered the whole way. This should be followed with a stint in national service to teach them a little about respect.
My final point concerns an equally disgraceful act. That is, when a passenger gallantly gives up their seat for old people, people on crutches, heavily pregnant ladies, people without any legs, et cetera and the recipient refuses to acknowledge the gesture and give thanks. I am unsure of the mechanism, but if these people should be coated in a translucent green slime, I would also suggest a stint in national service too, the only issue here might be that they p could be judged unfit for service. Two words: soylent green.
I could go on, but wanted to keep the suggestions down to a practical, manageable level. I feel that should Metro address these issues, my journey on Metro’s Eastern Shore bus services would be far more pleasant!
Your faithfully,
Kris McCracken"
Comments
I say: ban all the things you mention, and ban all eating/drinking/farting/fornicating/slobbering/smelling/rudeness/rowdiness and also a pet hate - people with colds. If you're not well, stay at home. Don't give me the s$$$ing virus.
You must be my twin separated at birth!!!
I just love your letter. You must keep us posted on the response you get!!!
Susannah
I am with you too ump, smelly people especially. I can tolerate it in the afternoon after a hard day's work, but body odour in the morning is just plain wrong. As is the stench of a smoker. I have been known to move away with disgust if a stale whiff of tobacco is near me.