This will hurt me...

  Bass Strait is blue today. Sisters Beach, Tasmania. January 2021. Monkey Grip by Helen Garner Credit must go to Helen Garner for her frank reflections on her own choices and desires in this semi-autobiographical novel. She conjures up a Melbourne long-since gone, and a world of a bohemian vision of life filled with excess, collectivism and the withering away of norms like monogamy, patriarchy and the jingoistic nature of Australians. As I say, this is a time long gone. Garner writes well and with frankness and empathy that is to be admired. Yet despite her best efforts, the appeal of Javo – which is the central premise driving the book – utterly eluded me. I could see nothing of the charm, beauty, intelligence or love in the man. Even in the frank descriptions of the sex – and there is no shortage of fucking in this book, with Javo and others in this milieu of rootless artists – didn’t help explain the obsession. The novel consists of days repeating days. Swimming and drug...

Divorcee? Colville Street, Battery Point. August 2013. PEACE.

Ah the Good Old Days ™, how we miss 'em! You might know them better as a Thermos®, but this bloke liked his vacuum bottle so much he appears to have beaten/murdered/dismembered his missus all over misplacing it! For enhanced comedic effect, the fuzz appear to be utilising heavy-handed interrogation techniques to get to the bottom of the matter. I've long said, we don't laugh off domestic violence enough these days...

I've found the Stanley Kowalski approach to courtship a winner. There's nothing [NOTHING] that an independent, thinking, successful and confident woman likes more than domination . Like a Subaru front wheel drive coupe; slap her around a bit, and she'll treat you right. This ad has been revisited in the spirit of International Women's Day, which took place yesterday.

The market is a shifty bugger. There is obviously a limit to one’s ability to sell people stuff. Ultimately, people are going to get to a point where they don’t need anything more. The solution? Create a need! Now you, me and everybody else may well have gone on for thousands of years never having noticed the subtleties of life. Creases in our brow, different skin textures on our elbows, imprecise smells in our intimate parts... To a marketer, these aren’t the intangibles that make life, love and the whole shebang. These are opportunities to be exploited ! Have a crease in the corner of your eye? EVERYBODY IS LOOKING AT YOU! BUY THIS CREAM AND MAKE THEM STOP! Rough skin to protect the point of your elbow? YOU HAG! HOW CAN A MAN EVERY LOVE YOU? GET SOME OINTMENT ON THAT! Smell like a woman? HOW DARE YOU! YOU MAKE US ALL SICK! Modern life, it really is wonderful.

Here we have a lady ostrich from ZooDoo checking out the scene. Like many of our feathered friends , the lady ostriches are a dull shade of brown; as opposed to the striking black and white of their male partners. This lady ostrich was particularly taken by one Ezra L.F.M. Esq. Who can blame her for that, I ask?

In respect to my feminist friends out there scattered over the globe, I thought I'd post of pair of lady-friendly comics today. The lady above - courtesy of the Married to the Sea - reminds me of both Henry and Ezra, who despite lacking the requisite criteria for womanhood, are both fine young ladies . Yes, we've embraced renowned crackpot feminist academic Judith Butler's notion of Gender Trouble in this house. I particularly like Lucy's justification at the end of the strip below. There should be more of it. As I've said before, I consider Lucy something of a personal role model. Indeed, I consider myself a great example of a strong woman .

Although it's not a wet and eager Bo Derek slowly emerging from the surf in a one piece and simply dripping with charm , I firmly believe that the above glamour shot of Ezra is very much worthy of a 10 . You see, it's already Theme Thursday again, and this week's challenge was the word TEN . In the spirit of the motion picture about a horny middle-aged man from 1979, Ezra and I decided to do a photo shoot in a style that I like to call "late-70s Playboy". Customarily, this would involve an interior shoot on carpet, with broken sunlight swathed across a curvaceous brunette wearing little more than a smile and a strategically placed prop. Whether or not you have Brian Ferry records gently crooning off in the corner is entirely up to you. In the interest of good taste though, coupled with the fact that I am certain that Jennifer would refuse (and probably storm off), I decided stick on some Roxy Music and go with a [somewhat] dressed and slightly less curvilinear –...

A combination of shiny shoes and synthetic pants will always ensure that feisty woman that you have your eye on will soon have her will ground down until she obliges your every whim. Complete and utter subservience. It's what makes marriage great!

Wow-ee , would you just take a look at that shoe polish! Yes-siree , some mighty fine shoe polish there. Hey, let me have a look at that again [crosses legs uncomfortably]. Hmmmm, a free shine cloth . A free shine cloth you say? Hmmmm, I better have another look at that ad... There is one thing for sure, this advert certainly gets you thinking about shoe polish !

The best that I can say about this French advertisement for tampons is that it is, err, very French . The tagline reads: "I am like a fish in water" , but I am not sure that this really helps all that much in getting the gist of the piece. Now, you must believe me when I say that I’ve thought long and hard [oohh err missus!] about this particular product promotion, but admit that I am no closer at answering the riddle that might unlock this particular enigma than when I began, and figure that I shan’t locate that answer any time soon. The most obvious answer harks back to grubby schoolboy locker room jokes, but to my knowledge – and I say this as someone who remains a grubby schoolboy at heart – grubby schoolboys do not represent a significant proportion of the market share of feminine hygiene products . No, I figure that is women who buy tampons (see, all of that taxpayers’ money wasn’t wasted on my education). As it is women that buy the tampons, it must be women that t...

Let me come right in off the bat and assert that some of the facial work, mannerisms and all round acting abilities in this vintage advertisement for a tasty stool softener are quite simply a sight to behold. Check out the misery evident on the little girl's face! Look at that quizzical concern (with a very subtle bit of index finger work) by mom [sic]! The magnificent matronly poses by the pushy laxative snake oil saleslady concerned neighbour. Get me Bette Davis as “Mom”, Shirley Temple as “Cherub” and Joan Crawford as “concerned neighbour” and I’ll get you twelve Oscars! Green Light! On another note, the tagline to this, and all such ads really should be: Motherly Guilt: selling crap to people for over ONE HUNDRED YEARS!

I would advise all of my dear readers to take the take, click on today's advertisment, and have a good hard think about what it says. All of this time I had thought that it was the average fighting Joes who won the Second World War. Hardcore Marines storming beaches, heroic air crews dropping bombs surrounded by flak, the oft-overlooked merchant seaman chugging away on ships dodging treacherous seas (and even deadlier) submarines the whole time simply to get life’s pure essentials (which, apparently, did not include bananas but plenty of bombs) from point A to point A . Naively – damn fool that I am – I thought that it was the fearless Soviet troops thrusting towards Berlin, the countless riveting Rosies pumping away day and night in factories, the old dears knitting socks for the care packages for the valiant lads wasting away in Colditz, and the kids who dreamed of nothing more than bayoneting some heartless Fritz or Jap until his last twitch ceased. Hell, I thought that it mi...

Henry and I have just finished Muriel Spark’s excellent short novel The Prime of Miss Jean Brodie . No doubt, many people will be more familiar with the cinematic version of 1969, but I must say the book is far better, for the usual reasons (nuance and depth not the least). Upon some reflection on our recent reading habits, we have deliberately chosen a ‘feminine’ novel to mix things up a bit. I have been worried about Henry’s escalating assertive masculinity, and figured that a book written by a woman, set in a girl’s school and ostensibly about a ‘strong’ women in her prime would offer a counter balance to the raging testosterone that has taken over the house. Having not read any Murial Spark previously, let’s just say that I was taken by surprise. I was taken aback by the complexity of the narrative and plot. This is a book rich and original in style. In terms of delivering a ‘feminine’ voice, I guess it did that. I am not sure if it delivers a message that will be helpful for He...

Today’s ad is another one that all of you ladies out there should readily identify with. Ask yourself, do you ever feel flat ? Tired ? Worn-out ? Are you ever so exhausted that not even an invite to The Smiths can pep you up (Morrissey must have forgiven Mike Joyce if they’re gigging again!)? Did you used to be a lot of fun, but now your friends think that you are kind of a drag to be around? Are things not right at home? Are you turning into a peevish old woman ? This ad raises an important and timely issue, one that sadly even affects my own household. Despite my distinguished record as a husband and Jen's generally solid marks on the Crane marital scale , my wife always complains that she is tired. She thinks that maybe it is something to do with looking after a lively and demanding toddler all day long while being 28 weeks pregnant, but I am not so sure. That just seems too complex a reason. I have been wracking my brains looking for an answer and - to be frank with you dear ...

I will tastefully avoid mentioning the child pornography in the background of today’s advertisement from less enlightened times, and focus on the young lovely in front. Now, yes she looks do happy and gay, not a care in the world. No doubt, this is because she believes the Coppertone promise that “a special ingredient” helps keep the skin looking young while you get a deep, satisfying tan. Forgive me for thinking that this “special ingredient” is probably ‘naivety’, but I thought that I would utilise this wonderful resource that is the Internet and locate the young lady today. This being the Internet, all I needed to do was enter the appropriate coordinates and dates, and ZAPPO, there she is in all of her glory!

I've been insulted many, many times. I've been called all the names under the sun. And I will be blunt with you all, I've called people a few nasty things myself (yes, it's true, please don't look so shocked ). But do you know what? I can honestly say that I have never, ever stooped to the depths of inhumanity, perversion and downright rudeness of the parrot in todays ad. Seriously, the fainthearted should not click on the picture and read it in all its horror, it will turn your hair grey.

And you know what this means ladies... If the house isn't clean, the drains aren't running smooth and you haven't attended issues related to your charm and health , your husband probably thinks that you're ugly!

It is a well-known fact that marriage breakdowns are inevitably traced back to problems around communication. A less recognised (but just as significant) factor is addressed by today's advertisement. Blocked drains . One thing that a man cannot stand from his wife is ignorance in the area of adequate drainage . So please, ladies, go out and check your drains today. It may not be too late!

I posted a few days ago some thoughts that I'd had about the noticeable sexism that can be found in the US Presidential pre-selection process. Without wanted to rehash it, I've been equally parts bemused, angered and depressed by some of my experiences online. Indeed, I've had a number of 'unpleasant' interactions in attempting to flag some of the inappropriate (read: sexist) attacks and assumptions on Clinton, or at least in trying to get people to at least self-identify that maybe some things should be 'out of bounds' in campaigning (like the t-shirt identifying Clinton as a prostitute). Generally speaking though, endeavouring to raise this doesn't seem to be provoking useful and thoughtful debate. I'd like to think that I tread warily in these matters, and attempt to promote a good discourse rather than go in too heavy handed (at least on someone else’s blog!). But it appears to be to no avail, responses generally start at "Don't be so s...