This will hurt me...

The beer is nourishing. This one is drinking. This one does not drink. Have you got that ladies? If you hit the grog while breastfeeding, you'll have a contented and thriving baby, an abundance of milk, a plump and bonny baby, a fulsome bust and a healthy head of hair. However, if you choose to eschew a few flower vases of the amber liquid each day, you will surely develop a stoop, your breasts will sag, your hair will become lank and greasy, and you shall be guaranteed to have a sickly, miserable little Konstantin Chernenko-doppelgänger wailing at your increasing grotesque tit all the time. If this happens, you can be guaranteed that you will not be keeping your husband for much longer either! You've been warned.

As my wife can attest, keeping a three-and-a-half-year-old and a two-year-old in one place at the same time can be a challenge. One solution: seek out large tracts of land.

The best that I can say about this French advertisement for tampons is that it is, err, very French . The tagline reads: "I am like a fish in water" , but I am not sure that this really helps all that much in getting the gist of the piece. Now, you must believe me when I say that I’ve thought long and hard [oohh err missus!] about this particular product promotion, but admit that I am no closer at answering the riddle that might unlock this particular enigma than when I began, and figure that I shan’t locate that answer any time soon. The most obvious answer harks back to grubby schoolboy locker room jokes, but to my knowledge – and I say this as someone who remains a grubby schoolboy at heart – grubby schoolboys do not represent a significant proportion of the market share of feminine hygiene products . No, I figure that is women who buy tampons (see, all of that taxpayers’ money wasn’t wasted on my education). As it is women that buy the tampons, it must be women that t...

I have posted a picture of a sign spotted on the bus today. The timing could not have been better, as I have a few issues that I would like to get off my chest. Thus, I have decided to share my letter with all of you out there in Internet-land. "Sir, I am contributing to this review as a regular patron of Metro Eastern Shore bus services, as I utilise public transport to commute from Geilston Bay to and from my workplace in the city. I shall not dwell on more technical matters, such as the need for fluid dampeners or adequate driver training. Instead, I will focus on nine (9) easy issues that Metro can address and would comprehensively improve the quality of the passenger experience. The first concerns individuals who arrive at a stop when you are waiting for the bus and ask, "Has the bus come yet?" Logic should dictate that if the bus had arrived, one would not be standing there. I feel that if at any point the driver is informed that someone has asked this, Metro shou...

Today I have chosen three advertisements that work in relation to each other. Each contains a vital message that every lady must learn prior to entering into the beautiful alliance that is a successful marriage. I can express myself no more eloquently than the first advertisement itself, so I will leave it to them: A man marries a woman because he loves her. So instead of blaming him if married love begins to cool, she should question herself. Is she truly trying to keep her husband and herself eager, happy married lovers? These are wise words and well worth consideration. Indeed, they ask a reasonable and fundamental question. The answer? Complete feminine hygiene . It is just so dreadfully sad that many marriages fail due to unnecessary ignorance around what is an essential issue. The second ad builds upon the concerns identified in the first. The good folk at Zonite are spot on, how can Bill [below] explain all of this to his sensitive young wife? Bill is correct: there are some th...