Laziness has become the chief characteristic of journalism, displacing incompetence.

A gum tree in Taroona. May 2010.

Following the demands of the readership, today we're venturing into Jamie Oliver territory, so read the following with a lithsp.

I have an RDO today, so Henry and I shall celebrate by making a fruit loaf. We will need:

300g mixed dried fruit
450ml hot Earl Grey tea
90g brown sugar
1 lemon, zested
3 cups self-raising flour
1/4 tsp nutmeg
1/2 tsp cinnamon
1 large (-ish) egg

1. Whack the dried fruit in a bowl, mash up a nice pot of Earl Grey and pour the bugger over the fruit, cover with plastic wrap and set aside at room temperature for a good few hours.

2. Preheat oven to 180°C. Mind your wrists. Butter a loaf pan like Des Renford.

3. Strain the fruit, setting the liquid aside for later use, then combine the fruit with the remaining ingredients. Now, here you need to gradually add the liquid, stirring until a soft dropping [ooooh eerrr missus] consistency is reached. Pour into the pan and bake for 45-50 minutes.

4. Meanwhile, make a sugar syrup: place 1/2 cup sugar and 1/2 cup water in a pan over low heat and stir to dissolve the sugar. Simmer for 10-15 minutes. Brush the fruit loaf with the syrup while it's still warm, like the early years of marriage.

5. Set it out of the reach of grubby toddlers on a wire rack to cool, then slice and serve with butter.

Bob's making love with your Auntie, and you're done!