There are three rules for writing a novel. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.

We have been in receipt of the reports that a pod of bloodthirsty Orcinus orcas – that’s killer whales to you and I – are marauding though the Derwent Estuary, terrorising everything that appears before their beady, perfidious eyes.

Of course, Henry immediately demanded to be “taken to the beach”, and thrust himself into the treacherous swells and set about sorting these ‘roided-up dolphins out.

But the water was a bit nippy, so we got fish ‘n chips instead.