Thursday, December 22, 2011

The world cares very little about what a man or woman knows; it is what a man or woman is able to do that counts.


All I want for Christmas is a... new door? King Street, Sandy Bay. December 2011.

As Theme Thursday rolls around again, we are sucked into the exploitative cycle of GIFT-giving, GIFT-receiving, GIFT-rejecting and GIFT-resenting otherwise known as Christmas. It is certainly beyond my comprehension quite why we so will-fully allow this bloated Satan Claws character to waltz so freely into our houses and dump rubbish about the place with a careless disregard for our wheelie bins.

I put this Claws fellow on notice: any GIFT that appears in our house on Sunday morning that meets any of the following criteria will be removed to a discrete offshore facility for immediate destruction.

The exclusions list is brief and bars any GIFT that:

  1. Sings any kind of song.


  2. Requires more than a single battery to perform a function.


  3. Demands some form of repetitive hammering.


  4. Involves food that contain some form of immunoglobulin E or other anaphylatoxins, which thus provoke a release of histamine and other mediator substances from mast cells. That include you peanuts, almonds, Brazil nuts, cashews, chestnuts, hazelnuts, macadamia nuts, pecans, pine nuts, pistachios and walnuts!


  5. Offers an unrealistic portrait of the human body.


  6. Consists of more than three percent glitter.


  7. Consists of more than thirty percent crumbs or crumb-making substance.


  8. Smells like old people.


  9. Is likely to break within fifteen minutes of opening.


  10. Features the Australian flag in any way, shape or form.


  11. Contains the word "Aussie" or some variant (e.g. Oz, Ozzie etc).


  12. Overly relies on Anthropomorphism.
  13. And, last but certainly not least,

  14. Continues to purport the myth that penguins and polar bears cohabitate.


If you obey these commands Claws, we'll get along just fine. I am a reasonable man, but who know what I am capable of if pushed...

8 comments:

Mary said...

Well, glad to meet you over at Theme Thursday. This definitely made me laugh. You've told Santa a thing or two. (I will be linking when Mr. Linky appears.)

Roddy said...

Just as I have said for the last X number of years; Christmas, bah humbug.
Think of me Christmas day. I have to put up with the morons at work.

Mrsupole said...

Hi Kris,

I too was laughing at this post, although I am not quite sure what is wrong with all that Aussie stuff. And I do love all those nuts, Brazil nuts are so yummy and possibly my favorite. I also thought that penguins and polar bears were best buds, well I mean at least the polar bears think they should be, since that makes getting dinner a lot easier.

And knowing how you dislike Christmas so much maybe you should do what I do and just never get a Christmas tree anymore. Train the kiddies that Santa only visits the Northern Hemisphere and they have to wait until winter arrives 6 months from now and by then they will forget. And you have saved lots and lots of money. By the time the kiddies have learned Satan Claws is not real, you might have saved some for their higher education.

I vote with you that Christmas is too commercialized and everyone should boycott the gift giving other than donating food to help others.

Thanks for playing in this weeks "Gift" TT, truly a great write.

God bless.

Brian Miller said...

offers unrealistic view of the human body...good luck with that...how else will they sell you on all the beauty products...smiles...great list kris...i hope you have a great christmas with your fam

karen-fayeth said...

You gave me the gift of laughter today. Loved this post, every word of it!!

Lay down that law, Santy Claws can't help but listen!!

Happy TT and happy holidays.

Andy said...

Hello Kris.
Nice to meet you. This is hilarious! Certainly makes my hectic day not so humbug. Thanks for an enjoyable read. I appreciate the visit too.

An Inscription Of Love

Heaven said...

Nice to meet you at TT~

Yes, I agree with you about the new door. And for that list of gifts...I will take note of this.

Happy Holidays to you and your family ~

Kris said...

Thanks all. I am sore all over.