All I want for Christmas is a... new door? King Street, Sandy Bay. December 2011.
As Theme Thursday rolls around again, we are sucked into the exploitative cycle of GIFT-giving, GIFT-receiving, GIFT-rejecting and GIFT-resenting otherwise known as Christmas. It is certainly beyond my comprehension quite why we so will-fully allow this bloated Satan Claws character to waltz so freely into our houses and dump rubbish about the place with a careless disregard for our wheelie bins.
I put this Claws fellow on notice: any GIFT that appears in our house on Sunday morning that meets any of the following criteria will be removed to a discrete offshore facility for immediate destruction.
The exclusions list is brief and bars any GIFT that:
- Sings any kind of song.
- Requires more than a single battery to perform a function.
- Demands some form of repetitive hammering.
- Involves food that contain some form of immunoglobulin E or other anaphylatoxins, which thus provoke a release of histamine and other mediator substances from mast cells. That include you peanuts, almonds, Brazil nuts, cashews, chestnuts, hazelnuts, macadamia nuts, pecans, pine nuts, pistachios and walnuts!
- Offers an unrealistic portrait of the human body.
- Consists of more than three percent glitter.
- Consists of more than thirty percent crumbs or crumb-making substance.
- Smells like old people.
- Is likely to break within fifteen minutes of opening.
- Features the Australian flag in any way, shape or form.
- Contains the word "Aussie" or some variant (e.g. Oz, Ozzie etc).
- Overly relies on Anthropomorphism. And, last but certainly not least,
- Continues to purport the myth that penguins and polar bears cohabitate.
If you obey these commands Claws, we'll get along just fine. I am a reasonable man, but who know what I am capable of if pushed...