Now Rocky Raccoon, fell back in his room only to find Gideon's bible. As Gideon checked out, he left it no doubt, to help with good Rocky's revival.

Down low at Mawson Place on Sullivan's Cove. I was hiding from a wallaby.

Regular readers will know the commitment and ardour that have proven numerous times in the past with regards to highlighting the dangers that within the cold, black hearts of diminutive, cute ‘n cuddly creatures.

If there is danger in the world, I’m onto it. Whether we are talking about marauding wallabies harassing old folk or badly-named kids, I’m there. Whether it is depraved seals molesting chaste penguins, I’m there. Whether it is something as ostensibly innocent as a boorish remark from an uncouth parrot, or as serious as neo-Nazi raccoons rampaging across Europe, I’m there.

So when I heard about a racoon (I’ve no word as to whether it is sympathetic to Hitler or not) who chomped down on spirited Russian reveller Alexander Kirilov’s trouser snake, I thought “here we go again!”

Yet on closer inspection, I must defend the right of this particular raccoon to use all reasonable force to repel the illicit advances what clearly must be a filthy, drunken pervert. The headline from that renowned journal of record, The Sun (UK):

Toothy raccoon bit off manhood

It appears that the mucky Muscovite was out on the razzle, feeling a bit randy and decided “’ere we go, I’ll have some fun here” and tried to rape the wee beastie.

But he reckoned with the wrong animal, rather than go down without a fight [snigger, snigger], our unnamed hero decided that enough was enough and that an act of extreme violence was necessary to protect its honour!

I for one say HEAR HEAR!

Of course, this never would have happened had Kirilov decided to show a bit more sensitivity and cracked onto a Great White Shark. I have it on very good authority that these angels of the sea are very generous and gentle lovers...